My tummy is going to make me broke

UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH This is how I feel about my entire digestive system. If they did intestine transplants, I would take two.  Here’s a tiny disclaimer. I am super comfortable talking about the #2. So if you aren’t, you might not want to read this one.

I have been having crap attacks like nobodies business. I, with my extensive medical knowledge (read zero medical knowledge), am attributing part of this to the fact that I have been eating like crap. There’s a reason I have become a whale. Drinking a lot, then eating at Jack in the Box or McDonalds at 2 am. I mean..what did I expect was going to happen?

Anyways, the crap attacks I can deal with. I’ve been having them my whole life. But then, they got worse. And I was slightly annoyed, but mostly because I had to take a sick day from work. And then, after the crap attacks got worse, they stopped completely. And that freaked me out because I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t have them.

Well then, I woke up one morning with THE WORST stomach pain of my life. I had absolutely no idea what was happening because it was not crap attack pain. It wasn’t throw-up pain either. The pain had taken up permanent residence in my upper GI tract and was having a party with all it’s friends. So I went to work that day because I am slightly insane. And suffered through it. The next day I decided to go to the doctor, and she sent me straight to the hospital for a series of tests including an ultra sound, x-ray, and blood tests. All of which I’m sure I will get a huge medical bill in the next few months. They initially thought my liver was enlarged. Yikes.

Turns out, everything is fine. My liver is fine. But one of the blood tests came back saying that something was enflamed. (duh). So I have to go see a specialist at the end of September.

So my doctor calls me after all of this and says, so your x-ray came back and all I can see is a lot of poop in there. (double duh). Then she follows by saying, “I’m going to have you do three days of stool samples. Bring them in and we’ll go from there.” Um, I’m sorry….what???

Let me tell you, sweet friends, if your doctor ever tells you to do this, you very firmly decline to oblige. I would rather have been admitted to the hospital for three days, than ever have to poo into a tray and scoop it into a vial for three days. Never again. Never never never never again. I’m telling you, whatever your own health problems are, mine are more embarrassing.

Anyways, so I can’t wait to get the bill from all of this. I’m so afraid that they are going to screw it up again and I’ll get a bill for the whole thing or something too. Ugh, I hate the health care industry. My goal is, since all of this stuff takes a few months to get sorted out, is to try and pay off my credit card before I have to pay the bill on any of this. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Guh.